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Loving the way my fiancé likes to be loved

Every person experiences love in a unique way. Some gestures of love will more powerfully communicate love to you than others. For example, some people feel close and connected when they can physically touch the other person. Others demonstrate love through words of affirmation or affection, acts of service or thoughtfulness, or by spending time in intimate conversation. Still others feel deeply loved and connected through eye contact or other body language.

Both you and your fiancé will instinctively give love in the way that you most like to receive it; we naturally expect the way we most powerfully experience love must be the same for others. However, the reality is that, more often than not, your fiancé will experience love differently to you. This means that, in order to be effective in your efforts to love, you will need to learn how your fiancé wants and needs to be loved rather than trying to love them the way you feel most loved; to love by intention rather than by instinct.

When you understand what is important to your fiancé, then you can choose to give love to your fiancé in exactly the way he or she best experiences it. This is smart loving: loving your fiancé the way they most like and need to be loved.

SmartLoving is genuine loving because it’s other-centred and is focused on loving them on their terms rather than your own. It is also smart, because it’s effective. It helps you to target your efforts to love towards what will truly communicate love.

Concept: SmartLoving

Love your fiancé in the way that he/she most likes and needs to be loved.

Know your fiancé’s Unique Love Profile. Focus your efforts to love on your fiancé’s preferred Love Builders and avoid their Love Busters. 

Stories of the heart

For many years I used to get annoyed when my husband left dirty clothes on the floor in our bedroom – I judged him to be selfish and ungrateful for the work I did in the home. However, when I started to look at him through the ‘eyes’ of respect, I came to see him differently. Now when I wake later and I find his dirty clothes strewn on the floor, I see evidence not of a selfish man, but of a generous one. I see a man who rises early in the dark to quietly leave a sleeping household so that he can meet the demands of the job. His clothes do not represent his indifference, but rather are evidence of his self-sacrifice to provide for our comfort. And instead of feeling resentment towards him, I experience compassion and gratitude. I think that I am learning to ‘see God’ in him, to see him as God sees him, not just the external behaviours that used to send me crazy, but the incredible, internal qualities of his personhood. 


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