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One Again

Adopt a structured Reconciliation Process

Because you are not at your best when you have been hurt, it is wise to have a formal process that you have agreed on in advance. You can reconcile using the Stop-Reflect-Connect & L.I.F.E. tools together.

Step 1: Stop!

Separate. When you’re hurt, it’s easy to say hurtful things that you later regret. Separate for a time to cool off, but agree on a time when you will come back together to address the issue. Letting your mind play over the injury or the argument is not ‘cooling off’! You will have to employ some self-soothing techniques and avoid your self-talk becoming destructive.

Pray. Before you begin to write, pray for compassion and humility. Prayer gets us out of our self-pity and reminds us of the importance of our relationship.

STEP 2: L.I.F.E.

Writing will help you to probe more deeply into your own emotions and will assist you to listen more openly to the other. Using the L.I.F.E. framework, describe your strongest emotions in vivid detail. Be very disciplined: Avoid judgements and share only what you are feeling.

Listen. Take turns to read your reflection to each other. This is not the time for discussion. The Listener should focus on hearing and understanding the emotions of the other. Do not try to explain why you acted that way. Do not tell your fiancé why they shouldn’t feel that way. Just listen with an open heart to their pain.

STEP 3: Reflect!

Write a Love Letter to your fiancé. Begin with an appreciation for their goodness. This will help to give you perspective about their offence and help them to listen more openly to your pain because they will be confident in your love. Then write how you understand your fiancé to feel. This is called ‘cloning the injury’ and it simply means that you ‘recreate’ the hurt of your fiancé by empathetically describing it back to him/her. Finally, express your sorrow and ask for forgiveness.

STEP 4: Connect!

Come together and Unclutter. Make physical contact: hug, kiss, sit close, hold hands, make eye contact. Take turns to read your letters to each other. Discuss if necessary. Express your sincere regret and ask for forgiveness. (More than “I’m sorry” is called for here). When forgiveness has been granted, ask God to heal your fiancé and restore them to wholeness.
Your relationship has a rich love history and is so much more than this single incident. Reassure one another with as much physical touch as possible. At the very least, look into each other’s eyes, hold hands and sit close.

Your relationship has a rich love history and is so much more than this single incident. Reassure one another with as much physical touch as possible. At the very least, look into each other’s eyes, hold hands and sit close.

You are more important to each other than any single issue

 


Tool: Stop. LIFE. Reflect. Connect

For Reconciliation
  • Before disconnection and resentment becomes entrenched…
Stop:
  • Separate & Self-soothe
  • Pray for compassion & humility
L.I.F.E.:
  • Write about your strongest emotion
  • Read to each other
Reflect:

In a Love Letter write:

  • Appreciation
  • ‘Clone’ your fiancé’s emotions with Emotional Communion
  • Express your sorrow
Connect:
  • Unclutter
  • Share letters
  • Ask for forgiveness and pray for healing

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